September 6, 2001
11:27pm

My philosophy teacher is a very interesting man. His skin is yellow and thin, like aged paper stretching over his moon-shaped face. His slanted Asian eyes hide behind large glasses, which he unconciously removes when trying to accentuate a point. He likes to pout his thick brown lips meditatively and punctuates his speech with long, thoughtful pauses. At times he can get a little too excited about his subject, causing him to pontificate loudly on the merits of Plato while students try to quiet their snickers of amusement. He is really an average, nondescript man. However, watching him speak fascinates me more than Plato or Socrates. He has unique mannerisms.

Yesterday I woke up in another melancholy mood. My days had recently been filled with guilt, shame, sadness, and all the usual suspects. I was sick of it all. I was sick of never being satisfied with my own behavior. I was sick of not being able to live up to standards; the world's, Christianity's, my own. I, for once, wanted to be left alone without the outside world trying to force its way in. Reality is so bothersome. No wonder I'm an escapist.

I began to wonder how I managed to screw up my life so completely. It started out well, and I certainly hadn't tried to screw it up. My mother and I have not always done well financially, but we've always had more than what we needed to get by. As an only child, I've been showered with my mother's attention (which has more than made up for not having two parents in my home). I usually do well in school. I have never smoked, been promiscuous, or done drugs and alcohol. I have potential. It seems to me my life should be a manifestation of the American Dream. However, I'm often sad, lonely, ignored, and misunderstood. When I try to do the right thing I'm only saturated with guilt for falling short. I have a history of mental illness. I appeared to have everything going for me, but now my once normal life is strangely...not.

I wish I knew exactly at what point my life took this unexpected turn. How far back did it happen? Was I not paying attention? Was there something I could have done? Who knows. Perhaps such thoughts are counter productive. They make me feel like a big rambling complainer, anyway. There are a thousand ways my life could be much worse.

I think too much.

Today I participated in a wonderful method of distraction - DVD shopping! My sad collection of three DVDs has now grown to nine (thanks in part to some cheaply procured goodies from my local CD/Game Exchange). One of my new purchases was The Negotiator, starring two of my favorite actors: Samuel L. Jackson and Kevin Spacey. It officially became the very first movie I've watched in the comfort of my cozy little apartment. Now that's something to celebrate.