December 8, 2001
3:40pm

I could hardly sleep last night. I don't think I've ever had so many bad dreams in one night. I'm pretty sure I had more than I remember, but the one I do remember really disturbed me.

It took place after church at Jenna's house. Everyone in my campus ministry was in her living room. One of the couches was arranged differently than normal and I was sitting on that couch with Nick.

I tried to to talk to Nick, but he didn't make any sense. He kept saying that I had to build some kind of machine so I could dance with him. (I believe one of the parts of the machine was a broom.) I didn't understand what he was talking about and I really didn't want to dance with him because no one else in the room was dancing. Then he became really upset because I couldn't understand him. His face became really distorted (almost inhumanly so) and he began crying really hard. I tried to get him to calm down, but he was inconsolable. Then he kept saying that I had to dance with his sister, and I still had no clue what he was talking about. Everyone turned to look at us because he was crying so hard. I felt like their stares were a mixture of bewilderment and disgust because I wouldn't dance with his sister (whatever that means).

Meanwhile, some other guy - who I think was Javier - was talking really loudly and asking me to dance with him, too. He was practically yelling while I was trying to find out what was wrong with Nick. It was very annoying. Then I imagined I hugging and comforting Nick, but I wasn't really touching him.

I woke up with a big headache after that. However, when I took some aspirin and went back to sleep, the dream began again where it ended before I woke up. Nick and I were in the same room and he was still crying, but the room was darker. Even the people looked dimmer somehow, and their presence didn't bother me like before. There was a tall white candle shining brightly in the foreground. I remember it because it wasn't there during the first part of the dream.

Once again I imagined that I was comforting Nick, but I wasn't really touching him. I felt like I should have apologized for making him cry, but I didn't know what I had done. I felt tainted, like I had no right to touch him or even be in his presence. It was like he was good and I was evil. It was very disturbing.

I woke up from that dream feeling very guilty. I felt like I had to call Nick and apologize, but I don't remember ever offending him. Besides, it was three in the morning and he probably wouldn't have appreciated it. I know it was stupid to feel that way because the whole thing was only a dream. However, that didn't stop me from feeling badly.

The dream I had last night reminded me of a dream I had earlier this week. Another one of my guy friends was crying and I was trying to comfort him. I didn't feel guilty but I did feel bad for him. However, I think I understand that dream better than I understand this one.

I also remember a dream from last week. It was very scary. It began with three old women luring me into their home. They wanted me to help them move some heavy furniture, and I agreed because they were elderly. However, I passed out when I went inside their house. (I think they served me a drugged cup of tea.) When I woke up I was laying naked on a lighted table in a pitch black room. The three old women hovered over me with eyes that glowed a sickly pale green. I was in great pain because they were ravenously devouring my flesh. (Though strangely enough, there was absolutely no blood.) However, I was unable to move or defend myself. I couldn't even talk. All I could do was lay there and watch them eat me.

Last week apparently wasn't a good week for dreams, anyway. I also had a dream that I was being raped by some dark figure. However, I had a feeling that I knew the guy, which made it all the more creepy. I tried to struggle but it didn't do much good. I felt very weak, like when my blood sugar is low. There wasn't much I could do.

*shudder* Maybe I just like to torture myself.

I wonder what these morbid dreams mean. They may be the result of outside forces. I often have nightmares when I'm too hot or have a headache. Maybe my subconcious is trying to tell me something. My art history teacher once said that the dream's meaning isn't important. What matters is what the dream means to you. I guess I should examine what these dreams mean to me personally. It would be interesting to know what the different elements represent. If anyone out there is into dream interpretation, drop me a line. I'd like to know what you think.