August 15, 2001
11:51pm

This month my church as a whole is reading a book called Worship the King by Henry Kriete. It's all about the importance of worshipping God and deepening your worship time with Him. I've only read the first couple of chapters but so far it has been very inspiring. However, this morning I read a section about how we don't realize how close God is to us, how He's everywhere around us all the time, how He's right there when we worship Him. I had never given that too much thought. I know God is with us, but I never think of Him sitting beside me as I pray. This morning when I prayed it was almost as if I felt His prescence right there. A shiver ran down my spine. It kind of freaked me out. I liked it better when my prayer to God was a long distance call.

Later I went to the dealer to have the expensive new lock put in my car door. The cute Toyota service guy took my keys and told me they'd be right with me. Two hours later I was wrenched from the fantasy world of the good book I was reading when I heard my name. The guy informed me that all the parts for my new lock hadn't come in and they couldn't do the work today because of it. It took them two hours to tell me they didn't have all the parts! Now I have to waste tomorrow morning sitting in the same plastic cushioned seats trying to concentrate on good literature while "Sally Jesse Raphael" blasts on the tv. Shouldn't I get some kind of discount for that?

The rest of my day went normally. I went to work and ate dinner at home in the same sleep-induced haze that I suffer from every day. I was in this same haze when I arrived at church this evening.

Today's midweek service was just for the women of the church. I've gotten used to these services, but I don't like them as much. The women are wonderful, but I've never been comfortable being in a room with only one kind of people (no matter what kind of people they are). A room full of women especially disturbs me. Maybe I'm super sensitive to the estrogen surge because I'm also a woman.

A few months ago almost every married woman in the church was pregnant. For some reason, pregnant women also disturb me. I think it must be really weird to be pregnant, especially later in the term. There's something alive inside you sucking up your nutrients like some kind of parasitic leech. You can feel it move and sometimes see a leg or hand under the skin of your stomach. How weird is that? If I ever get pregnant, I don't know if I'll take it well. I wouldn't be able to wait until that baby comes out.

All our churches in Ohio are having a conference at the newly planted Toledo church during Labor Day weekend. The conference requires a registration fee, hotel stay, and food money. All of which I don't have (especially not since this stupid car thing). I felt bad because I wanted to go but I just didn't think I could afford it. When news of this got to my friend Chenise she whipped out her checkbook and paid my registration fee. This is exactly what I didn't want to happen because there's no way I can pay her back, at least not soon. Jenna told me to ask the church for the money for the hotel. They felt the conference is so important they are willing to pay for those who can't afford to go.

When I heard this I felt terrible. A couple of months ago I had asked the church for money to help me with the stupid therapy bill that's been following me around for a year. They only gave me $100, but I felt like I was stealing money from God. The money collected on Sundays is supposed to be used to help people under crushing debt, soup kitchens, and battered women's shelters. I felt like it would be better used for those causes than on me. Maybe it's stupid but I felt like there was some kind of mark on me for taking God's money, even though it was to pay for treatment of a condition I had no control over. Now they wanted me to do it again. I sat in the car after church, wringing my hands the way my mother does when she's nervous. I felt like I couldn't breathe. Guilt was already creeping into me, infusing me with panic when I hadn't even gathered the guts to ask my minister for the money. I knew then that I couldn't go through with it. I can't bring myself to ask for the money. It isn't meant for me. I calmed down by promising myself to find another way to get the money. I would have to find a way to pay Chenise back as well.

I realize this all may sound stupid to those who read it. I'm panicking and complaining about people giving me free money. However, for me, it's a matter of conscience. I couldn't live with myself if I took the money. Maybe I could if I were in dire need, but not for a conference. Not when the money is needed for so many good causes.

Ah well. Money woes upon money woes...