November 29, 2001
10:02am

The end of the semester is here and stress is in the air. Many students are hurrying to get their final tests, papers, and projects done. I'm definately one of those people. Most of my projects this semester sucked, and I want to redo them before my portfolio is reviewed. However, I'm too poor to buy new materials and I don't have much time.

I hate having money problems. No matter how much I try to save, I always seem to be living beyond my means. Art is frickin' expensive! The worst part of having money woes is how it looms over me all the time. Everyday I suffer through a few reminders of how poor I truly am. It's always in the back of my mind, sucking the joy out of everything I do until it's resolved. Until then, I continue to pray.

I've been really stupid about it, though. I know that asking my relatives for money is probably the only way I'll get out of this mess (unless Publisher's Clearinghouse decides to show up at my door). Yet, I haven't been humble enough to ask them. I always manage to convince myself that I don't really need their help when I know it's not true. Perhaps true desperation will sink in soon (like the rent I can't pay that's due in two days).

Jenny and Renae visited me Tuesday night. It was nice to finally have someone travel and hour to my place instead of vice versa. I showed them my cozy apartment, which they inspected thoroughly and decided they liked it. Then we went to the reception for the student center employee art show, where two of my pieces are being displayed. We ate some cookies and they met some of my friends. It was a jolly good time.

Then it was time to get down to the main purpose of their visit - evangelizing on campus. The very thought of sharing my faith with strangers makes me break into a cold sweat. In reality, it's not a big deal. We walk around and invite people to our church or Bible study. If they want to go, we make arrangements. If they don't, we move on. However, it seems like a life and death situation to a person with anxiety disorder.

In the span of a few minutes I changed from a happy, rational person to a panicked, frightened little girl. It took all the will power I had (which wasn't much) to not run screaming into the night. I couldn't talk because I was convinced that if I opened my mouth I would throw up. I was so light headed that I had to sit down before I fainted. It was terrible. I had no idea how I was going to share my faith when my body wouldn't even let me take two steps. Needless to say, that whole night was a bust for me.

After we got off campus I took Jenny and Renae to a discount store in front of my apartment building. They went in to shop for Christmas presents while I sat in the car feeling sorry for myself. Eventually, Jenny came out to retrieve me. I didn't even calm down until I was in the store for a while, which was a half-an-hour after we got off campus.

Despite my fast spiral down into a pit of terror, it was a good night. I had fun with Jenny and Renae and learned some things about them I never knew. Hopefully they'll be able to visit again after Jenny and I go on Christmas break. After my neurotic semester, I definately need to have some fun.