June 20, 2001
2:23pm

I am utterly afraid of being alone for the rest of my life. It's a fear I've harbored ever since fifth grade, when I really became interested in boys. I suppose it stems from the opposite sex's extreme disinterest in me. Even the one boyfriend I had seemed interested in me as a person, but not intimately (the fact that he turned out to be gay explained a lot of things). In recent years I've had many more dates than I ever thought I would thanks to the internet (before I became a disciple) and a general mandatory edict (after I became a disciple).

I have no idea whay I seem to be in such desperation. I'm only 21-years-old. Maybe it's because I've always wanted to be married by the time I'm 25. (I figure that leaves time for me to have kids before I'm 30. I don't want to be too old by the time my kids grow up. It'll be easier for me to keep up with them and I'll be around to enjoy them and my grandkids.) Sure, four years seems like plenty of time to find Mr. Right, but I know that they can just fly bu. You have to go through a lot of frogs before you can find a prince, and I've only been through one (the frog part is not meant to be taken literally).

Then again, I know I'm not ready for such a commitment. My heart says I am, but my mind knows my relationship with God isn't nearly where it should be. After a year and some odd months of being a disciple I still struggle with the same things. I know I need to be patient even though my heart yearns for someone else. Part of me says if I can't remain faithful while I'm alone, I won't be able to do it with someone else around, either. The other part constantly repeats the nagging belief that I'm meant to be alone. I want to be more optimistic. I want to believe that if joe schmoe can get someone, then so can I. I want to believe that someday there will be someone who finds me as desireable as I find him even though up to now all such feelings have been unrequited. I want to believe that if I really put my all into attaining the relationship with God that I've always wanted, and if I remain patient, then it will eventually happen for me. My mind's all for it, but my heart can't seem to muster up the hope or enthusiasm. I hope I haven't already become too used to being alone.