July 5th, 2001
9:55 pm

Why am I the only one freaked out about talking and moving inanimate objects? I don't mean something like Disney's The Brave Little Toaster. I actually think he's cute in a metallic sort of way. I'm thinking of slightly more sinister things...

Take Clippit, for instance. Clippit is the little guy that pops up when you ask for help in the Microsoft Word program. He's a paper clip with eyeballs (with EYEBALLS!) He smiles and waves at you. When you type something in he whips out a pencil and a piece of notebook paper and begins to write while trying to look intellectual. When you click him off he may wave goodbye and go away or fold himself into a scooter (with EYEBALLS as his WHEELS!) and drive off on a notebook paper road. It's especially unnerving when he turns into a wire envelope and his eyeballs bounce around inside. EWWW! I do like the fact that they allow him to use his natural paper clip shape to fold into things instead of putting some stupid arms and legs on him. (I hate it when they put appendages on things. If you're not Mr. Potato Head, give it up.) However, I still thinks he's scary and I don't want him on my desktop. It's especially scary that he has his own website.

Luckily, they have a wider variety of icons available. Among the choices are a nice dog, cat, or (my favorite) a little Einstein-like figure they call smart guy. He just walks through a door and quietly waits for you to ask for his help. Best of all, he doesn't turn into anything and his eyeballs NEVER bounce around.

Another culprit is the mascot for Frosted Mini Wheats. This cereal is very tasty and is definately one of my favorites. However, the mascot has got to go. It's a huge computer-generated wheat biscuit that is frosted on one side just like the real cereal. The frosted side is named Sweets and the plain side is named Wheats. They fight over which of them people love best. On each side two large eyeballs are shoved between layers of wheat so they can see (AGAIN with the eyeballs!). They have no real lips. A cavernous hole appears when they speak (Heaven forbid they attempt to smile.). They have no feet but they do have gloved hands that hover around their body without any discernible point of attachment. I would put this mascot in the same category as the M&M's mascots. However, the M&M's have managed to appear friendly and inviting while Sweets and Wheats look quite freaky.

However, the worst offender has to be the sandwich from the orange juice commercials. In these spots an innocent family member opens the refrigerator to get a snack and is confronted by a leftover ham sandwich that chattily spouts the benefits of drinking orange juice.

Is this ham sandwich...

a) a harmless leftover
b) a helpful orange juice informant, or
c) THE TOOL OF THE DEVIL!

I think we can all determine which he is, can't we? If I ever opened my fridge and saw my food talking to me I'd throw it on the ground and stomp on it while yelling, "DIE DIE DIE!!" Then I would burn its remains and call a priest to exorcise my house. All remaining foodstuffs would also have to be tossed out for fear of contamination. The last thing I need is last night's chicken casserole looking up at me and saying, "Got milk?"

What is wrong with these people? Sure, they seem a little surprised that their sandwich is talking to them, but not nearly surprised enough. Perhaps they are used to their refrigerator sprouting new life forms and talking to leftovers is a normal occurence in their household. The sandwich even has eyeballs made of olives stuck on toothpicks, and they blink. For goodness' sake, THE OLIVES BLINK! You can't tell me that's natural! You'd think they do something about it but in every commercial a different family member just leaves the talking ham sandwich in the fridge.

Once we address this inanimate object problem we can move on to the next sinister plot; making the mascot for the product come from the actual product. M&M's has managed to handle this strange arrangement nicely. At least the orange M&M is afraid of being eaten. They know what they are. What about Charlie the Tuna? Does he not know he's a tuna? Does he not know that he's advocating the slaughter and consumption of millions of his fellow tuna? What was the thing with the California Raisins? They learn to sing and dance, sell a couple of albums, and suddenly it's alright for their brethren to be dried up, sold, and shipped off in attractive packaging? This is quite a disturbing trend.