September 20, 2001
5:09pm

Well, it seems a good while since I last made an entry. The truth is, I really haven't felt like going online. I've been desperately trying to keep up with my school work (which seems futile) and I've been inexplicably sleepy. It took the sugar from two Werther's Originals to give me the energy to check my e-mail. I have no idea why I'm so tired all the time.

The first official visitors to my apartment came over on Tuesday. I was excited - a little too excited, I think. When I came home I heard a voicemail message from Nick saying he and Eric were doing a Bible study, and that they'd try to make it over later that night. This seemed reasonable enough, and I thought I was fine. However, after an hour had passed I began getting upset. I don't know what I was thinking. I knew the Bible study was more important than visiting me, but the thought of possibly spending another night alone suddenly became too much. I was almost on the verge of tears when, two hours later, Nick finally called me to say they were coming.

It was a nice visit, but the whole situation worried me. I couldn't understand why I was being so irrational. Am I really that lonely? I grew up as an only child, and had to learn how to entertain myself. Some people can't stand a quiet house, but that's the kind of environment I've spent my life in. Why can I suddenly not stand being alone?

I hate feeling this way. First of all, there's nothing I can do about it. My school work takes up a lot of time and, as I'm notorious for not getting it done, I think I should concentrate on it. I don't have many friends, and those I have either live far away, or are art majors like me who also have lots of work to do. Second, it makes me feel so high maintenance. I've always felt uncomfortable around people who are co-dependent or always need attention. Now it seems like I'm becoming one of those people.

"I hate school. It's so boring."
"No one ever calls me. No one ever visits me. I'm so lonely here."

I feel like a whiner when I say such things. I know I should be grateful for what I have and where I am, but everything I do is punctuated with sadness. I need to get back to my old self.