December 31, 2001
10:59am

I saw the most beautiful moon last night. It was full and hung low in the sky. It was golden in color, and seemed to be so close that I could touch its craters with my fingertips. It didn't seem real at all, like the kind of moon I see in my dreams.

I feel like I've been sleepwalking since the winter break began. My days are filled with a kind of nothingness and I'm sleepy all the time. My reality and illusions are so intertwined that sometimes I can't tell if I'm truly awake. These kind of leisurely hallucinations are made for vacation time. School will begin in about two weeks, and I will be forced to care about things again. I don't mind indulging in emotional numbness for now.

It's amazing how differently we turn out from what we hoped for in our youth. When I was younger I had my life completely (and naively) mapped out. I had such high hopes for myself. It was very annoying when life got in the way.

I didn't expect to have to settle for a fine arts degree, spending four years in college and still hoping to get into an animation program someday. I didn't expect to abandon the Catholicism I so eagerly sought in favor of a more radical Christianity. I didn't expect to be so poor and carry money woes as a constant nagging companion. I didn't expect to have less friends than I started out with in high school, or to be so lonely. I didn't expect to go quietly insane until I surrendered to therapy. There are so many things that have happened to me that I never would have forseen. It makes me wonder if I'll ever accomplish the things I wished for long ago.

Will I be married by the time I'm 25? Will I get married at all? Will I have children (or sex, for that matter)? Will I ever become an animator, or maybe an illustrator? Will I have any kind of career in the arts? Will I maintain a spiritual focus or will my precious Christian perseverence slowly ebb away? Will I die in obscurity, or will I have made a difference in anyone's life? Will I have a long life, or will I die tomorrow? I have so many questions; but I suppose they're the same questions everyone asks themselves from time to time. However, even if I had the chance to see how I'll turn out, I wouldn't take it. I hardly ever know what's going on, or what I'm doing. Life is much more interesting that way. Plus, I wouldn't want to extinguish any hope I have for the future. If I had gone back in time and told the little girl I once was that she would grow up to be afraid to leave her house, I would have never made it. Why bother doing that to myself now?

Don't you just love when I get all philosophic?

I bought Shakira's new English-language cd a few days ago. I haven't had a chance to listen to all of it yet (yeah, like I've really been doing something), but what I've heard so far is pretty good. I love to put on my headphones and play it loud while I dance around my small apartment in a flurry of swinging arms and gyrating hips. And I don't even care if my neighbor's plants shake. Knock on the door all you want. I'm not even home.