July 7, 2001
11:57am

Today I passed a sign outside a church that said, "God answers knee-mail." I thought that was pretty clever.

It reminded me of a strange dream I once had (Then again all my dreams are strange. They hardly ever make sense.). I suddenly woke up (in the dream) in an auditorium full of people. Everyone was hurrying to their seats because a conference was ready to begin. There was a long white banner with big red letters draped over the stage. The letters were blurry so I couldn't read what it said. There were large packets of blue, yellow, and white paper in my hands.

On the stage was a tall white man clothed in a long white robe that appeared to glow. He had bright blue eyes, long brown hair, and a beard. In other words, he looked just like one of those classic paintings of Jesus. He had a headset microphone so he could move freely around the stage and addressed the crowd with a slight lisp.

"Now if you'll all turn to the blue packet we'll begin in section 5C. Here's where we'll discuss what it really means to love your neighbor. Please save all questions until after the power point presentation. Remember, if you don't get to ask your question you can always e-mail me at bigJ@holytrinity.com."

Just like that, the dream was over. I don't know if there's supposed to be some significance to it. Maybe it was Jesus' way of telling me to e-mail Him.

Of course, I've had many dreams that were just as strange. I had a recurring one through junior high and high school. It begins with me walking down an aisle in a brilliant white wedding dress. I feel a tug behind me as I walk, so I figure I must have a really long train. My hands are in white lace gloves and I'm carrying a bouquet of a dozen long-stemmed blood red roses with thorns.

I look up and see that I'm in a graveyard. Before me are rows of white folding chairs with smartly dressed wedding guests seated in them. All I see are the backs of their heads. None of them turn to look at me.

I notice that the grass is extremely green, a more brilliant shade of green than usual. The sky is filled with dark ominous clouds. The air is humid and it feels like it's about to rain.

I take slow, cautious steps. Fear begins to well up inside me. My walk is rhythmic even though I have no music to march to. It is dead silent.

The altar is made of a heavy white cloth draped over white poles. There is a tall priest there, but I cannot see his face. My future husband is standing there as well. (During my high school years this man was Leonardo DiCaprio. I had a thing for him then.) I stand beside my husband. Between us and the priest is a long casket made of weathered grey wood.

The priest says,"If anyone objects to this union, let him speak now or forever hold his peace."

That is the moment I look up and see the priest's face. It's a dusty, crumbling human skull with patches of pale red hair still stuck to it. Startled, I turn and see that my husband has a skull for a face, too. I frantically turn to the wedding party and see that everyone is merely skeletons in fancy clothing. Suddenly the casket swings open and I see an old skeleton in a white wedding dress holding a bouquet of roses. Although she no longer has a face I can tell that it's me. Naturally, I'm absolutely horrified. I drop the roses and run back down the aisle. No one tries to stop me or even says a word. They simply stare after me with hollow haunting eyes.

Spooky, huh?

I often wonder what that dream meant. After all these years, I still haven't figured it out. Maybe it means nothing, but it sure seems like it should.

There's another dream I've had that I really would like to know the meaning of because it totally freaked me out. It took place in a room that was completely decorated in shades of brown. On the bed there were two mes having sex with each other. At the time it didn't even seem strange that there were two mes. However, when I woke up I was really disturbed.

I went on the internet to see if I could find the meaning of the dream. I never did find out what having sex with yourself in a dream meant. The closest thing I could find was in this online advice column about the meaning of dreams. A girl had written about her dream of having sex with Britney Spears. It disturbed her because she wasn't a lesbian. The advice lady said that she didn't have to be a lesbian to have a dream about having sex with Britney Spears. She said that often in dreams having sex with someone isn't what it seems. It means you want to be more intimate with what that person represents. If Britney Spears represented fortune and fame for that girl, it would mean that she wanted to be more intimate with the side of herself that yearns for that. I'm not sure how that applies to me. Maybe it means I want to know myself better, but I'm pretty sure I already know myself. Maybe it means I'm just sexually repressed. Either way, it still upsets me to this day. I would really like to know what that meant.

The most recent dream I've had that I can remember happened last month. It started with my mom seeing an ad in the paper saying there was a special going on at a restaurant. The ad said we could get two dinners for $20. So later that day we went to the restaurant.

The restaurant reminded me of Red Lobster. It had a roof like most Red Lobsters except that it was blue instead of red. The sign had a big crab on it. I believe the name of the place was The Crab Shack, but I'm not sure because I couldn't read the letters. I know it had the word 'crab' in the title. Anyway, it was a seafood place.

We went inside and waited at a white podium. Samuel L. Jackson was standing there. (I don't think there was any significance to it being Samuel L. Jackson. I happened to see him in an old episode of "Law and Order" the night before. He was dressed and groomed the same way he was on the show. I think my subconcious just grabbed him from my memory.) He was followed by two Hispanic identical twin boys. They went wherever he went. I think they were his assistants. For some reason they reminded me of those scary twin girls in The Shining.

Samuel L. Jackson and the spooky twins showed us to our seats and took our order. My mom had some kind of seafood while I had a burger and fries like I always do (The only seafood I like is fish sticks.). The meal went fine and soon it was time for the check. Samuel L. Jackson told us the check would be $21.05. I protested that the coupon said the meal would be only $20. Samuel L. Jackson insisted that it cost $21.05. My mom saw the situation was getting tense and told me to forget about it. She paid the check and we went to the car.

I told my mom to wait in the car while I went back inside. I decided I was going to give Samuel L. Jackson a piece of my mind. When I went back inside the place was deserted, even though it was bustling with customers mere seconds before. It now appeared to be closed for the day.

I saw a light coming from the door that lead to the basement. I decided to go check it out. Behind the door was a flight of stairs that led to a basement apartment. The place looked like some kind of small bachelor pad with clothes and beer cans all over the place. It was apparent that young single men lived there. One of the twins was playing video games. The other was staring at a calendar on the wall. (I think the calendar had a Lambourgini on it and said "1986.") Samuel L. Jackson was ironing some dress shirts and ties.

"I want the $1.05 you cheated us out of," I said.

"You're not getting it," said Samuel L. Jackson. I could feel the twin thugs trying to sneak up behind me. I turned to see them creeping towards me like monsters in old movies used to do. When I turned back around I saw Samuel L. Jackson was holding a black leather strap between his hands like he was going to strangle me with it. I remember thinking, "He's going to kill me! All this over $1.05? Why doesn't he just give it to me and be done with it?"

Then I said, "This is a matter of my mother's honor. You have cheated her and I'm not leaving without that $1.05!"

I stood in a martial arts position like I was about to kick some serious tail. I don't even know any martial arts, but at that moment I felt like I knew exactly what I was doing. It was like that scene in The Matrix where Neo says, "I know kung fu!"

After he saw that I was serious, Samuel L. Jackson relented and finally gave me the $1.05. I put the money in my pocket and went back upstairs, happy to have defended my mother's honor.

This has to be one of the corniest dreams I've ever had. It is definately not like me to go ballistic over pocket change, especially pocket change that could have just been the tax for the meal. When did I learn martial arts? Why would Samuel L. Jackson be living in the basement of a seafood joint? It was totally strange.

In a way I think this dream had to do with my mother being out of work. Last year my mother was unfairly fired from her job and was out of work for six months. I was really upset about it because I know my mom is a hard worker and wouldn't do anything that would cause her termination. I suspect she was done in by some kind of office politics. She saw a lawyer, but didn't try to sue them. I guess she figured she couldn't prove her case, or didn't want to go through with it. I guess this dream was my mind's way of getting back at my mom's accusers. What that has to do with $1.05, I don't know.

Perhaps I shouldn't question any of my dreams. Perhaps they're all some sort of jumbled information the subconcious mind tries to make sense of. However, I would like to believe they could lead to some deeper insight. After all, the Bible shows that even God has used dreams and dream interpretation as a way of communicating with man. If dreams are good enough for a divine being, they're good enough for me.